Transitions in Marriage

During lecture this week, we talked about the trends of marriage-fewer, people are marrying later, more people are alone, and divorce rates are higher. Why aren't people getting married? Some of the reason that we discussed were that more people are cohabitating (living together before marriage) today than ever before, it's more convenient to not get married and get "tied down", and people are afraid to be in such a serious relationship-afraid to be a provider for their families.

It's funny to me that so many people choose to cohabitate because they think that living together before being committed will help them to "test the waters" and try it out. Yet, people who cohabitate are actually less likely to have successful marriages. Interesting.

We also discussed how the most common time for a couple to get divorced is between 2-5 years into the marriage. Why? One answer: Children. This is typically the time in a marriage that couples start to have or try to have children. It only makes sense that children add stress to a couples relationship and if they do not learn to manage that stress, they pull apart. There is also the possibility that the couple is trying to have children and no matter what, they can't seem to conceive. This would be another stressor to the couple, which again could pull them apart.

With each consecutive child, a couples happiness levels go down. Why? STRESS. The more stress a person is under, it only makes sense that the less happy they would be. But this doesn't mean we dont have children or that we are doomed to end our marriages. If before a couple has children, they ensure that there relationship is as solid as a rock and that they are as happy as can be, then when the children come along, the ding that comes with them wont be as bad. Plus there is always the day to look forward to when each child leaves the home and the couples level of happiness increases.

Preparing for Marriage

I think the thing that I found to be the most interesting this week was from the chapter in "Marriage and Family: A Quest for Intimacy" about Falling in Love. In this chapter, the author explains that there are different styles of love and six different types of lovers; 1)erotic lover, 2) ludic lover, 3) storgic lover, 4) manic lover, 5) pragmatic lover, and 6) agapic lover.

The Erotic Lover focuses on the physical, particularly the sexual, aspects of the relationship. 

The Ludic Lover views love as a pleasant pastime but not something in which to get deeply involved. 

The Storgic Lover has a quite affection for one another and their relationships develop slowly and tend to be stable. 

The Manic Lover is intensely preoccupied with the beloved, feels intense jealousy, and alternates between ecstasy and  despair in the relationship. 

The Pragmatic Lover may take careful stock of the other, consciously assessing the characteristics of the other. 

The Agapic Lover acts of behalf of the well being of the other without demanding or perhaps even expecting any benefits in return. 

These types of lovers are found throughout the world. Pragma, storge, and ludus are somewhat dependent upon the culture,but eros, mania, and agape are the same in all cultures. 

Gender Roles and Differences

I've had this discussion a number of times before-young boys participating in "girl" activities and young girls participating in "boy" activities. This is normal! But what I found to be interesting about this week was the fear that so many parents have about their children turning out to be gay or have gender atypical tendencies. They think that if their little boy plays with dolls or has tea parties that they will be "too feminine" or that it will lead to them being attracted to the same gender. The reality of the matter, though, is that there is nothing wrong with children enjoying activities that aren't typical of children of the same gender. In fact, it may even be considered healthy. Children are only trying out new things, only imitating something that they have seen a peer or an adult do. They don't know that this is "wrong", it's just what they see others doing. And from what I have seen, children normally grow out of it.

I have a 6 year old nephew that LOVED to wear my high heels when he was younger. My sister lived with us for about two years when her children were very young and I remember my little nephew coming out of my room with red heels, a hat, and a scarf from my closet. I was only 15 or 16 years old at the time and I even remember being worried that he liked my shoes. I was terrified that he was going to like these things for the rest of his life. I couldn't be more wrong!! Looking at him now, he is 100% BOY! This just further proves to me that there is nothing wrong with boys playing with "girl toys" or girls playing with "boy toys". It gives them a chance to play and explore-a chance to figure out their likes and dislikes. So if your like boy likes to play with Barbies or your little girl likes to play with monster trucks, DON'T WORRY. Everything with turn out how it is supposed to. :)

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

For class discussion this week we had to read "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes and Immigration" which helped to explain some of the challenges that immigrant families face when trying to come to America. When we discussed it in class, it became even more real to me than ever before.

Brother Williams started by bringing students to the front of the room and creating a "family". There was the immediate family-a dad, mom, brother, and two sisters-and an extended family-grandma, uncle, and cousin (I think). While Brother Williams tried to simulate the process that these families went through, the students were moved around and asked questions about how they felt. It had not occurred to me before, first off, how much money was involved in coming to America-thousands of dollars simply to cross the boarder. Then tons of money to live. The fathers come first. They hope to only be away from their family for 6 months or so, but more often than not do they end up being gone for years before they are reconnected with their family. The dynamics of the family relationship was demonstrated during our discussion.

The only son had to become the man of the house and take on responsibilities that he may have not been prepared for. Mom had to go to work to support the family since dad was gone. Because mom was out of the house now, the oldest daughter had to leave school to care for the youngest child. The whole family was forced to rely more heavily on their extended family for both financial and emotional support. The entire family relationship and dynamic was changed simply because dad wasn't there any more. Eventually they become accustom to living this way when finally they have enough money to send the entire family across the boarder to meet with dad.

But wait. The family has gone years without dad and are now used to living without him. Now that he is back in their lives and home, the dynamic and relationships, once again, must change. But the kids are older, some may even be resentful towards dad because of having to live without him for so long or because they don't want to be in America-they want to be with their friends. This is another shift that they must face to attempt to have a healthy family relationship once again.

This is just an example of some of the things discussed in class this week that kind of amazed me. It makes perfect since that just one person coming or going can cause such a shift in the family dynamic, but it wasn't something I had ever given much thought to before-probably because I had never experienced it before.