Divorce and Remarriage

Unfortunately, divorce is something in our society that is so regularly seen that it is no longer seen as a big deal. What is funny to me however, is that 70% of couples who divorce regret their divorce within 2 years. 70%! That's a huge number. To me, what this means is that couples really do love each other and want to make things work, but they dont put forth sufficient effort to do so. What I also found interesting is that men more likely get remarried, or at least men get remarried faster. Why? Think about it. Women typically get most or all custody of the kids (if there are any) and they now have to support themselves all on their own. Their time is now fully consumed by kids and work meaning that they dont have time to go out and meet people to have the option of remarriage. Men on the other hand, typically have a lot more time on their hands to meet new people.

There are so many reasons why divorce is a necessity. But I think that it should always be looked at as an absolute last resort-especially if the couple has children. The effects of divorce on children can be very extreme. I have seen several divorces in my life (fortunately not my parents personally). One of which is actually my roommate. I have seen her go through it since the beginning and it has been really hard on her. I've seen how her dad has become more distant and her mom has pressured her to pick sides. Plus she has two younger brothers who are still living at home who, I am sure, are having just as hard-if not harder-time with the separation. When going through a divorce, and after, it is important to make sure your kids know you love them, not force them to pick sides, and maintain an authoritative parenting style. Not all children will experience divorce the same, but doing everything you can to make sure that the children adjust well is vitally important.

Parenting

This week just so happens to be the week when the Supreme Court is trying to make a decision on redefining marriage to now include same-sex couples. Now before I talk about what we discussed in lecture this week, I have to mention a little back story. Last year around this time, I was talking to my roommate Allison about this exact topic and I told her how I, personally, have no problem with allowing same-sex couples to marry. I thought that it honestly does not effect me in any way, shape, or form so why should I care if gay couples are able to get married? I will get the opportunity to marry my best friend someday, why shouldn't they? I honestly did not see any reason as to why someone would be opposed to same-sex couples getting married and thought that those who did, were just homophobic. It wasn't until this very class, where I began to learn the real importance of the family and having a mother and a father for each child.

The reason I mention this during the week of "Parenting" is because of the importance and responsibility each person has to be the best parent they can be and to raise their children to be the same. There are things that a mother contributes that a father cannot-and vice-versa! Watching this video from an 11 year old girl's view point really helped me see this even more.

Fathers & Finances

We talked a lot this week about working mothers and the effect that has on the family. I found it interesting that while many mothers go to work to help support the family and bring more money to the table, they actually typically end up spending just as much if not more money as they make on day care for the kids. So in all reality, it doesn't make any more money for the family.
There are also many women who feel that being a stay-at-home mom is a waist of time and a waist of a college education that they spend oh so much money on. But I think that there is great value in a full-time homemaker. Yes, to the world it may seem as if going to college, getting an education, spending thousands and thousands of dollars and four or more years on a higher education that "won't ever be used" would be pointless, but it is a great benefit to the home. Parents are children's first teachers. From day one, they are teaching them everything, even things they don't realize that they are teaching. Not only will an educated home-maker be beneficial in the sense that it will help mom be a better teacher to her children, but it is also proven that educated parent's have better relationships with their spouses and their children. There are other ways that a homemaker can get intellectual stimulation. Continue to go to school, join a book club, keep updated with the news and what is going on, etc. In a religious aspect, we learn that all the knowledge we obtain in this life will carry over with us to the eternities, so we might as well get as much as we can, even if we may feel that "we aren't using it".

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

This week, while talking about communication, Brother Williams challenged us to be very careful with all of our communications with friends, roommates, and family.  It wasn't until this challenge, that I realized that I could really benefit from trying to be better at communicating with those around me. I know that one of my roommates and I regularly have tiffs, partly because I am sure that she may be bipolar and partly because I am sure that I do not communicate as well as I could. There are times that she wont let me communicate with her and will shut me out, but the times that I have the opportunity to talk with her, I need to be very careful with the words, tone, and body language I use-especially because she takes everything that is said to such a dramatic extent.
Just because someone is hard to get along with doesn't mean that they are the only ones that we should be careful about how we communicate. We can mis-communicate with anyone on any topic. With the technologies that we have now-a-days can also greatly affect the way we communicate. All the emailing, Facebooking, and texting has impaired our ability to have successful face to face communication. I know so many people who can only talk to someone if they are doing it behind a screen, I was once one of them. How do we fix this? Put the phones and computers and actually talk to our friends and family!

The Family Under Stress

All families encounter crisis and conflicts. It's inevitable. The extent of the conflict or crisis vary between families, as well as does the reaction and result of the family and the dynamic. There are really two results that can occur after a family crisis-a centrifugal spiral (families pull away from each other) or a centripetal spiral (families come closer together). The hope is that families grow closer together and have a stronger bond because they have experienced a crisis together and have worked through it the best way possible.

When I think of a family in crisis, I think of on family in-particular. I have known this family as long as I can remember. I grew up across the street from the Browns (name's have been changed) when my family lived in Colorado Springs, CO. I love this family dearly. Their only daughter, Nora, and I have been best friends since I was only a year old. About a year and a half ago, the Brown's second son, James, died while serving in the Army over seas. He was only 25 years old. It is of no shock to say that this family went through an incredible crisis. Losing a son and a brother is something that no parent should have to do and no sibling would want to do. From an outside perspective, it appeared as if, through this incredible crisis, the Brown's became closer to one another and began to more heavily rely on each other. I saw them declare love for one another than I had ever seen them declare once before. The Brown's very well could have pulled apart from each other. They could have shut down and relied on friends rather than family. But the pulled together instead.

Not all crisis' are this severe, but through any and all crisis' a family can pull together or pull apart. My hope is that in my family, we will be able to rely on one another and grow closer when ever we go through a crisis.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

I've always learned that men and women cannot be just friends, but up until this weeks discussions and assignments I didn't realize how true this is and how it could cause some major issues inside of a marriage. As part of this weeks assignments, we were required to watch a PowerPoint about affair prevention and it got me thinking. I have always had best friends that were guys, we are always together and it was never something that I gave much thought. But when I get married, I've come to realize that I will most likely have to put these friendships on hold-indefinitely. This isn't to say that I can't have acquaintances that are men, but they can't be my "best friend". I can't spend a ton of time with them, I can't spend alone time with them. My husband needs to be my best friend, not someone else. I think that this is the best way to prevent an affair in marriage. People typically have affairs with friends or co-workers who they have become close to. If we simply don't have these extremely close relationships with people of the opposite gender, we won't risk having the temptation to have an affair. It's as simple as that.

Transitions in Marriage

During lecture this week, we talked about the trends of marriage-fewer, people are marrying later, more people are alone, and divorce rates are higher. Why aren't people getting married? Some of the reason that we discussed were that more people are cohabitating (living together before marriage) today than ever before, it's more convenient to not get married and get "tied down", and people are afraid to be in such a serious relationship-afraid to be a provider for their families.

It's funny to me that so many people choose to cohabitate because they think that living together before being committed will help them to "test the waters" and try it out. Yet, people who cohabitate are actually less likely to have successful marriages. Interesting.

We also discussed how the most common time for a couple to get divorced is between 2-5 years into the marriage. Why? One answer: Children. This is typically the time in a marriage that couples start to have or try to have children. It only makes sense that children add stress to a couples relationship and if they do not learn to manage that stress, they pull apart. There is also the possibility that the couple is trying to have children and no matter what, they can't seem to conceive. This would be another stressor to the couple, which again could pull them apart.

With each consecutive child, a couples happiness levels go down. Why? STRESS. The more stress a person is under, it only makes sense that the less happy they would be. But this doesn't mean we dont have children or that we are doomed to end our marriages. If before a couple has children, they ensure that there relationship is as solid as a rock and that they are as happy as can be, then when the children come along, the ding that comes with them wont be as bad. Plus there is always the day to look forward to when each child leaves the home and the couples level of happiness increases.

Preparing for Marriage

I think the thing that I found to be the most interesting this week was from the chapter in "Marriage and Family: A Quest for Intimacy" about Falling in Love. In this chapter, the author explains that there are different styles of love and six different types of lovers; 1)erotic lover, 2) ludic lover, 3) storgic lover, 4) manic lover, 5) pragmatic lover, and 6) agapic lover.

The Erotic Lover focuses on the physical, particularly the sexual, aspects of the relationship. 

The Ludic Lover views love as a pleasant pastime but not something in which to get deeply involved. 

The Storgic Lover has a quite affection for one another and their relationships develop slowly and tend to be stable. 

The Manic Lover is intensely preoccupied with the beloved, feels intense jealousy, and alternates between ecstasy and  despair in the relationship. 

The Pragmatic Lover may take careful stock of the other, consciously assessing the characteristics of the other. 

The Agapic Lover acts of behalf of the well being of the other without demanding or perhaps even expecting any benefits in return. 

These types of lovers are found throughout the world. Pragma, storge, and ludus are somewhat dependent upon the culture,but eros, mania, and agape are the same in all cultures. 

Gender Roles and Differences

I've had this discussion a number of times before-young boys participating in "girl" activities and young girls participating in "boy" activities. This is normal! But what I found to be interesting about this week was the fear that so many parents have about their children turning out to be gay or have gender atypical tendencies. They think that if their little boy plays with dolls or has tea parties that they will be "too feminine" or that it will lead to them being attracted to the same gender. The reality of the matter, though, is that there is nothing wrong with children enjoying activities that aren't typical of children of the same gender. In fact, it may even be considered healthy. Children are only trying out new things, only imitating something that they have seen a peer or an adult do. They don't know that this is "wrong", it's just what they see others doing. And from what I have seen, children normally grow out of it.

I have a 6 year old nephew that LOVED to wear my high heels when he was younger. My sister lived with us for about two years when her children were very young and I remember my little nephew coming out of my room with red heels, a hat, and a scarf from my closet. I was only 15 or 16 years old at the time and I even remember being worried that he liked my shoes. I was terrified that he was going to like these things for the rest of his life. I couldn't be more wrong!! Looking at him now, he is 100% BOY! This just further proves to me that there is nothing wrong with boys playing with "girl toys" or girls playing with "boy toys". It gives them a chance to play and explore-a chance to figure out their likes and dislikes. So if your like boy likes to play with Barbies or your little girl likes to play with monster trucks, DON'T WORRY. Everything with turn out how it is supposed to. :)

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

For class discussion this week we had to read "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes and Immigration" which helped to explain some of the challenges that immigrant families face when trying to come to America. When we discussed it in class, it became even more real to me than ever before.

Brother Williams started by bringing students to the front of the room and creating a "family". There was the immediate family-a dad, mom, brother, and two sisters-and an extended family-grandma, uncle, and cousin (I think). While Brother Williams tried to simulate the process that these families went through, the students were moved around and asked questions about how they felt. It had not occurred to me before, first off, how much money was involved in coming to America-thousands of dollars simply to cross the boarder. Then tons of money to live. The fathers come first. They hope to only be away from their family for 6 months or so, but more often than not do they end up being gone for years before they are reconnected with their family. The dynamics of the family relationship was demonstrated during our discussion.

The only son had to become the man of the house and take on responsibilities that he may have not been prepared for. Mom had to go to work to support the family since dad was gone. Because mom was out of the house now, the oldest daughter had to leave school to care for the youngest child. The whole family was forced to rely more heavily on their extended family for both financial and emotional support. The entire family relationship and dynamic was changed simply because dad wasn't there any more. Eventually they become accustom to living this way when finally they have enough money to send the entire family across the boarder to meet with dad.

But wait. The family has gone years without dad and are now used to living without him. Now that he is back in their lives and home, the dynamic and relationships, once again, must change. But the kids are older, some may even be resentful towards dad because of having to live without him for so long or because they don't want to be in America-they want to be with their friends. This is another shift that they must face to attempt to have a healthy family relationship once again.

This is just an example of some of the things discussed in class this week that kind of amazed me. It makes perfect since that just one person coming or going can cause such a shift in the family dynamic, but it wasn't something I had ever given much thought to before-probably because I had never experienced it before.

Family Perspective Theories

This week of discussion, we started out the week by learning about the family perspective theories. There are four theories that we read about and discussed in class. 1)Systems Theory, 2)Exchange Theory, 3)Symbolic Interaction Theory, and 4)Conflict Theory.

Systems Theory-"focus on social systems and how their interdependent parts maintain order." In other words, this theory suggests that each and ever aspect of the family influences each other part. In class, Brother Williams demonstrated this by having several students stand up and hold hands in a circle. He pushed hard on one student as we watched all the other follow, pull, and strain. As one student would move as a result the outside pressure, each other student would move as well-some more than others. I felt that this did a great job of explaining this theory to me and I really came to see how families can be affected in this way.

Exchange Theory-"views social interaction as a cost-benefit analysis in which people try to keep their costs lower than their rewards." In other words, how does this relationship benefit me? And it what ways do I have to sacrifice something in my life in order to receive the benefits? The individual weighs the pros and cons of a relationship and often times if the benefits dont outweigh the costs, people are likely to avoid the person or break off the relationship.

Symbolic Interaction Theory-"views humans as cognitive creatures who are influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences." In other words, what happens in interaction is a  result not merely of what individuals bring to it, but also of the interaction itself. One aspect of this theory is definition of the situation. If the situation is defined as real, it will have real consequences-our interpretation of the situation is just as important as anything else that is true about the situation itself.

Conflict Theory-"focuses on contradictory interests, inequalities, and the resulting conflict and change." In other words, these groups have different interests, needs, and goals which can even be contradictory with one another and thus cause conflict. Not everyone can be satisfied because of the things that people are striving for. This theory is seen in explanations that focus on two types of groups: social class and gender.

No single theory can encompass the field of marriage and family and thus we see that there are several which do their best at explaining some phenomenons seen.

Social Trends and The Family

The trends facing our country today regarding the family are not something that  the typical person would identify as shocking or alarming. Higher divorce rates, marrying later in life, fewer people actually getting married, per-marital sex has gone up, and so has the rate of couples cohabiting. These are trends that are very obvious to our day and age, but learning more about them kind of makes me a little worried for countries future. It is proven that married couples have higher rates of happiness than do single people, yet many people want to wait until way later in life to marry or never marry at all? I don't understand why.
So many people now-a-days don't want to have kids. The average child had per couple is approximately 1.5 children. Do people not realize that if we want to be able to continue to repopulate the earth that we have to have an absolute minimum of two children? Good thing there are us Mormon's that have like 12 children per couple that keep us going ;). But seriously! It is so sad to me that these trends are occurring and that no one realizes the detrimental effects it could have on our children and our future.